Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
