I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
