Sry I called you an 8
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
