I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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