I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
