he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
