Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
