Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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