I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize