Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
