It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
