I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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