Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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