I need help removing her.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
