I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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