we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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