I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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