Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
