whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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