So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
