saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
