thus making me awesome and them whores
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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