life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
