my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
