Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
