HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
