You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
