just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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