There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
