my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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