As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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