JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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