I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
