My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
