smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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