So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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