Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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