fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
