Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
