My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
