I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
