I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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