Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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