God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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