I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
