really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
