there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You ruined the universe
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize