Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
