Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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