I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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