Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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