just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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