He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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