i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
