I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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