Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize