My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
