He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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