i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
