goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
