you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
