16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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