i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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