textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
