remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
