We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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