Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
