Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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