I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
