My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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