they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
