Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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