i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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