You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
