pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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