i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
