Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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