I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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